Listening Works

Your attitude sets the stage. 

The difference between empathetic and dismissive listening is mainly about the attitude and intent behind how someone listens and responds.

Switching from one to the other can mean all the difference in the world both in business and life settings, including relationships and marriages.

 Empathetic Listening

• Focuses on understanding the speaker’s feelings and perspective.

• Shows genuine interest and care.

• Uses body language, eye contact, and verbal cues like “That sounds tough,” or “I understand why you’d feel that way.”

• Makes the speaker feel heard, validated, and supported.

All of these show that the person sincerely cares and is invested in what the other person is saying.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and the entire time you were speaking they were saying, ‘uh, huh, hmmm, ‘uh huh, oh wow’ while they were scrolling on their phone the entire time?

Sure makes you feel ‘unheard’ doesn’t it? To hold empathetic listening, we need to empty our brains (as much as we possibly can) and center in on the person speaking.

Years ago, I created a habit for myself. I tend to run hot on the ADD side of things. My mind wanders all the time. So, when people are talking, I intentionally repeat what they are saying in my head so there is no room for anything else.

Yes, it can get pretty busy up in there, but it has worked for me. Helping me to concentrate on what the person needs, and zeroing in on my understanding processes.

Let’s flip the tables.

Dismissive Listening:

• Minimizes or ignores the speaker’s emotions or experiences.

• May seem impatient, uninterested, or eager to shut the conversation down.

• Often uses phrases like “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “Just get over it.”

• Makes the speaker feel invalidated, ignored, or brushed off.

Anyone that has ever had that happen, please raise your hand. Yes, as you can see, we all have. Sure doesn’t feel great, does it?

I think that’s the first step in change. Knowing how you feel when this happens to yourself. Then making a concentrated goal to do better in your next conversation.

Empathetic listening lends a supportive environment and strengthens relationships, while dismissive listening erodes trust and can harm communication. It happens so fast. In the blink of a word. 

By practicing empathetic listening, individuals can:

• Improve relationships

• Resolve conflicts more effectively

• Increase trust and understanding

• Enhance their communication skills

On the other hand, dismissive listening can lead to:

• Misunderstandings

• Conflict

• Breakdown in relationships

• Poor communication

Just like so many other things, you have the power within you to make this change. 

Here are some steps to engage in with your next conversation.

1. Give your full attention :: Lay your phone down. Turn off the TV. Avoid distractions and interruptions. Look the person in the eye.

1. Paraphrase :: Repeat back what you have heard. Not only to ensure them you are listening to also make sure you understand what they are saying. 

1. Share emotions :: Reflect their emotions back to them. Help them to feel understood and validated. eg. ”That's completely valid," "I can see why you'd feel that way”.

1. Ask open-ended questions :: Be interested in hearing more. Conversations are two-sided. Too many questions makes you sound like a detective or journalist. Too little questions, makes the person feel like they are in a monologue. Balance them out. Ask for clarification to solidify your understanding of what is being said.

1. Don’t interrupt :: There is a fine-line to the above and interrupting the speaker to give your own thoughts on the matter.  Everyone wants to be heard, but are you ‘not listening’ and only thinking of what you are going to say next? If so, stop it.

   
   

2. Judgement :: Feeling judgement seeping in before the person has fully finished speaking? Judgement is a conversation killer. Make sure you have all the facts. The way to do that is to keep listening. The other person may not be the best communicator, and this is where those questions above come in handy. Make sure you are hearing what they are truly saying.

   
   

3. Solution :: Try not to rush to provide a solution without fully understanding the other person’s perspective or concerns. This is where empathetic listening really shines. From experience, if you wait to hear the entire story and listen with heart, the solution you had in the first place, will change 99.999% of the time. 

Remember, active listening is about truly understanding the speaker's message, not just hearing the words. It isn't just about the techniques, it's about genuine curiosity and care for what your partner is experiencing. It's showing them that their perspective matters to you, even if you might see things differently.

This takes work. It is a skill that takes practice, so be patient and consistent in your efforts to improve your end of the conversation.

Once you have, you will begin to see, trust and security grow, conflicts will reduce, problem-solving as a team will flourish, intimacy will increase, your environment will feel more positive, and so much more.

Here’s to that next amazing conversation. Can’t wait to hear how it worked out for you!

With Vizion,