Depression runs deep. It touches the very edges of the soul. Not too many years ago, I fell into its clutches. I have always been an upbeat person. Nothing truly ever got me down. But this was different. I felt stuck. In mire. Every time I tried to pull myself out, it seemed I just went deeper. I knew I was in trouble.
There is a commercial on television that says depression hurts. This is truth. It hurt physically. It hurt in my heart. It hurt in my mind. I was in pain. The kind of pain that doesn’t go away. It is there when you wake up. It is there when you go to sleep. It follows you all throughout the day. Depression is real.
It is not understood by those that have not experienced it. So many will say, can’t you just ‘get over it’. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps. It will go away. Well, it didn’t go away by itself. I had to reach out and get help. I went on medicine. Walked the path of healing with a therapist. Told my family. Surrounded myself with a few accountability partners. More than anything, I forced myself to be honest. I had isolated myself under the facade of happiness. I just didn’t have the energy to do it anymore. The mask fell off and disintegrated.
Depression aged me from the inside out. But it didn’t kill me. I realize now that was truly its intention. I can tell you that was its end game. It didn’t win though. I was one of the lucky ones. One of the blessed ones. I knew Jesus. I had faith. I just fell into the darkest of pits and couldn’t see the light for a long time.
When people are so shocked at the suicide of yet another rising star, or a young person, and even a young pastor who seemingly had it all, I don’t share their shock. I get it. It seems like an option. I know that it is not. I found a way out. But I get it. I had to set up work flows. Put boundaries in my life. Ask God to heal me. I also needed to forgive myself. That was my final step.
Depression tries to worm its way back into my life from time to time. I am so familiar with its smell. Its loud, irritating voice. The cheap swagger in its walk. It demands a second thought. But I won’t allow it. I have control. I turn on the lights. I talk about it. I reveal its plans to my accountability partners. It not longer can take me down to the place of no return. I trust my Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has plans for me. My life is precious. Depression cannot have it.
creatively His, sue:)